Hmmm! You are probably reading with an absolutely unhinged level of curiosity, wondering what you will find in this post.
Well, let’s see now, shall we?
What if Ant-Man shrunk and went up Thanos’ anus during the fight in Avengers: Endgame and pressed the button to either return to normal size or grow into Giant-Man?
What would have happened?
Imagine during the heat of the battle; Mjolnir and Stormbreaker are flying through bodies of Chitauris and Outriders, Iron Man and Pepper Potts are giving us “couple goals” by decimating enemies together, Doctor Strange is conveniently keeping water from the dam at bay, and the other Avengers assembled are disassembling Thanos’ army.
Then in the midst of the chaos, there’s Ant-Man telling The Wasp that he loves her and is about to do something even more daring than when he went giant-sized for the first time.
“I’m the boss, I’m the boss, I’m the boss,” Ant-Man says to himself as he runs up to Thanos’ behind without anyone, not even the Mad Titan, noticing.
He shouts one last “I’m the boss” at the top of his lungs and lunges into Thanos’ butt.
The sheer force of his jump rips an ant-sized hole in Thanos’ pants and sends him straight into the true deviant region of the Titan.
Let’s pause here and wonder for a bit. If Ant-Man had actually done that, he would have been able to answer a question that’s been on our minds since Thanos first appeared – What colour is Thanos’ number 2?
You’d expect it to be purple like his skin and blood. But what If it is a colour we don’t expect?
Remember, Thanos is both an Eternal and a Deviant after all.
Anyways, back to the What If.
Now one of three main scenarios can play out.
The first scenario is; Thanos immediately feels something going up his butt (he has cosmic awareness) so he clenches very hard and tight which squashes Ant-Man to death.
Then Thanos proceeds to let out a power fart that rips the fabric of time and space. One that goes deep into the soul of those nearby and confuses the mind of any who smells it.
A fart that alters the Avenger’s reality when Iron Man snaps because it is then The Wasp discovers the squashed up body of her lover buried in the dust that used to be Thanos.
The second scenario, if Thanos doesn’t feel Ant-Man entering his butt, will happen when our thief-turned-Avenger presses the button to become either normal or giant-sized.
In the second it takes Ant-Man to grow from ant to normal or giant, at the exact point, within that second, he gets as big as an index finger, the Mad Titan immediately gets an enema and Ant-Man is flushed out of Thanos’ anus in a blast of shit as a grown man.
To the outside world, it’s like Thanos just gave birth to a fully-formed Ant-Man, but to you, the reader of this piece, its mission failed for Scott followed by his quick death from a very shocked and horrified Thanos.
Alright, let’s take a breather here because I’m guessing at this point, you are probably wondering whether to call the writer, Miwan, a mad man, like Thanos, or a genius like, well, Thanos.
Well, to answer your question, he is both… like Thanos.
But before you fully judge this What If you are enjoying, how about you see the final scenario…
Now in this scenario, Thanos didn’t get an enema and Ant-Man was able to fully transform.
And he’s done what only Thor was able to do; make Thanos bleed more than a speck of blood. Thanos’ guts are out in its full gory (yes, I said gory,) – shit, blood, and all.
The Avengers all begin to do a slow clap for Ant-Man as he wipes out Deviant faeces from his mask and suit.
Doctor Strange, still holding the dam at bay, looks at Ant-Man, smiles and then looks at Iron Man. The fingers on his left hand slowly form a fist leaving only his index finger standing.
Iron Man moves to take the stones from the gauntlet but Thanos punches him away.
Thanos, still bleeding on the floor with his guts hanging out, raises his hand with the gauntlet on and says, “I am Inevitable” before snapping his fingers.
Nothing happens and then the Commander of the Black Order looks over at Iron Man who kneels up to reveal the infinity stones fusing with his armour.
“And I am the shit.” Iron Man says before snapping his fingers.
What do you think?